well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize