Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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