i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
