dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
