Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
