I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
