people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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