People in love make me want to vomit
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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