oh god the rape fog is back!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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