dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
