Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
