She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
