i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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