you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have fence marks all over my body
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
