I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
