god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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