that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
