so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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