Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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