Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
