I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
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