During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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