There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
