i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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