I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize