Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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