Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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