I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Hippo gnu deer
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
