Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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