Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
