Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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