i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
