Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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