One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
a search helicopter?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
