I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
