mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
