birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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