Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The chlamydia really affected his face.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
