Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
