Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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