Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
