So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
