she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
