my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
