Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
