sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
