Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
