I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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