Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
