He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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