so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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