What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
