woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
