mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
did i just pee glitter
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
