also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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