Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
