My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
