So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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