3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
