meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize