and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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