I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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