I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
