I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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